Slightly off topic.

by - Monday, January 23, 2012

Hi, this is going to be a slightly different post. I just feel like writing this, and it's my blog so...
Please, I'm not writing this for sympathy I'm just expressing my feelings in a way I feel comfortable.

basically, I've mentioned before about my dad passing away etc I just feel like I've reached a different level, if you like. I came to a resize something that previously had crossed my mind during the grieving process. not really. You go on a huge journey, when you lose someone so close and I Feel like for a long time I've had to deal with quite a lot not just losing my dad, but other things like movin away from home, starting uni, adjusting to a whole new life aside the one I've had to try and adjust to without my dad. For a long time after he died I felt numb,and completetly lifeless and don't get me wrong these feelings don't decrease as time goes on, I suppose you just find easier ways to deal with them, sometimes it's just no appropriate to burst into tears. you learn to adjust in a way that's quite difficult to explain. Part of me doesn't actually want to feel 'better' or to feel like I'm 'moving on' because in some sad way it's a connection to the person you are grieving. Why would you ever want to feel happy? I don't want this to be an essay, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this.
There have been so many occasion over the last 16 months where I have just sobbed inconsolably into my partners arms. It comes from no where and before you know it you are crying your heart out. This used to happen quite a lot at the beginning, It happened again recently, after a relatively 'dry spell' and in all honestly I'm not sure what triggered it. It was quite late at night and Fred, bless him stayed awake to console me. At first I was just crying, and then I realised I was actually angry. It was quite selfish to be honest because I was angry about something that in reality is no ones fault, a fact that onyl adds fuel to the fire. I was angry becasue I've changed, I've had to change against my will, I was thinking about who I was, how I felt etc before my dad died and I was angry becasue I'm not that person anymore and even if I wanted to try and be that person again there's no physical way I could ever go back to that becasue there is always something missing. Something different about me that cannot be replaced or altered. I think it got to me becasue none of us asked for this to happen, no one had a choice and then we just have to live with it. No explanations, nothing. You're just expected to carry on, and you feel like, 'hold on a minute, what? I have to accept this and carry on?' that's hard. That's when you get stuck in a big black hole. Stuck between not wanting to even consider trying to get over it, and knowing that it would kill the person who is gone to see you like this. Ironic. Excuse the pun.
the whole world moves on around you and it feels so unfair, becasue all you can think is, hello, my dad is dead. Does anybody care.
Sorry, I'm not sure what the purpose of this is.

All I'm trying to say is, I miss my dad, I miss who I was when he was around, I miss a life that I'm never going to get back, I know life moves on and it's all part of it but you can't help feeling regret over that.

'Thank you for the days,
Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me.
I'm thinking of the days,
I won't forget a single day, believe me.
And though you're gone,
You're with me every single day, believe me' - The Kinks

24.03.1944 - 13.11.2010

You May Also Like