why I wont miss 2010
I feel like every post I write starts with 'oh hasn't it been a long time' in fact that is all I ever write. I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this post is, I guess I feel like I need a project, or even just something to do. I used to love writing posts and still read them so why not...
The past few months have been the hardest in my life, and please don't think I'm after sympathy, it just helps to write things down sometimes, to tell anonymous people, that don't have to sit and try and say the right things. It’s just an outlet.
Last September we moved to London, this was made difficult by the fact we found out my dad had cancer, I've longed to live here forever and everything was starting to work out when wham... the big C came and slapped us all in the face. Despite the diagnosis, my dad still wanted me to move down here and fully supported every decision I made. At that stage we didn't know much about his cancer and it was pretty much a waiting game to find out if it had spread etc, if not it was just a case of removing the kidney and hoping for the best. anyway, we moved down to London (we - being me and my fiancé) this was quite daunting not only was I moving away from home but also moving in with my other half... ironic at that stage that, that was what I was worried about...the first few weeks it didn’t really feel like I was settling in, we had little money so couldn't really go out much and after a long boring summer I was just ready to start Uni - although another cause of angst. Uni started and it was actually not what I expected it took a few weeks to get into and work out, I’ve made amazing friends and now it’s not as scary as it first seemed, the student loan came and things we're looking up. as time goes on we get more results about the cancer and its worse than we thought, it had spread, they had found another tumour in the main artery joining his kidneys to his heart, ok serious but still optimistic this in theory was a doable operation. it was difficult being away from home when all these results we're coming to light, it was hard to really understand what was going on as I only had the info my dad was giving me and tbh, he was pretty vague, looking back he just didn’t want to worry anyone and tried to play it down as much as he could, we knew it would be a major operation as with any operation but he never really explained it all. being away from home and having the worry of it all really affected me in a way I didn’t even think possible, I've always been paranoid and slightly hypochondriac, I don't really know how it happened but it started when I became ill, just a bit of a tummy bug, it wasn’t even very severe, but I got myself so worked up about it and I was really worried, thinking the worst things and that it was something really serious, it sounds stupid now, I basically developed anxiety, in those few weeks I made several doctors appointments because I was convinced there was something wrong with me, I had panic attacks every day, I didn’t eat for two weeks, lost a stone then was paranoid about that, I wasn’t sleeping, in the morning I'd wake up anxious and then be worried about why I was anxious...pretty much at my lowest, it was exhausting. Basically it was a viscous circle, I would worry about something but, that would only happen if I was anxious if that makes sense - probably not. meanwhile we were waiting on a date for my dad’s operation, the weekend before his op was when I hit a low point and just had to come home. I couldn't stand being in the flat - My dad was never much of a talker, he came to pick me up from the station and just being able to sit in the car and get things off my chest felt better. that weekend was so up and down for me, I was happy to be home but still completely overcome with anxiety, I went to stay with my boyfriends family (without his mum I would never have even begun to get over it) and then went back to mine for a final night, we went into town the next day with my dad and brother - just for a walk round really and then I thought I'd go back to London,
last trip in town - just playing with my camera...
My dad kept saying 'oh you don't have to go back yet' but I thought it was for the best. I would come back when he came out of his operation (which was on a Wednesday) after his operation he would be in intensive care for a few days while he recovered (standard procedure) so I was to return when he was out of ICU. to cut a long story short (which admittedly I haven't done so far) There were complications during his operation, He lost a lot of blood and his other kidney had failed, because it took so long this meant that his blood wasn’t being 'cleaned' properly and was basically toxic leading to multi organ failure, during the op his heart rate was very low so his organs weren't getting enough oxygen - I'm sorry if this is a little graphic but sometimes I find it helps to re-tell how it happened. He was on full life support for three days following the op - amazingly he made it through the operation in the first place - all the cancer was removed - (ironically that was the easiest bit of the op according to the surgeon) He just never regained consciousness, his body didn’t respond to any of the drugs or dialysis machine - the doctors just kept saying we literally can't do anything more for him, he could suffer cardiac arrest at any minute because of all the drugs etc - it was really up and down, one minute it was 'he might only last a few more hours' then he would respond to something - if only a little bit, he really did try and fight, I believe with my whole heart that he was trying to fight it but just wasn’t strong enough in the end. We got to the Saturday morning after three days of it being up and down, one minute it was critical, the next it would feel like it could get better. It got to the stage of 'if his heart stops we won’t be able to do anything' we had to let him go. it was very quick in the end - it was basically 'when this runs out we won’t be replacing it' and it was only a few minutes after that he went - it was ironically peaceful and gentle - for such a strong man his heart just gradually came to a stop.
I'm sorry; I don't want to burden you with all that info.
After that everything’s been a bit of a daze, the week after we buried him, which still didn’t really seem real. And then it was 'get back to normal' which for me has been hard - I wasn't normal in the first pace. it's just completely surreal, I don't think I'll ever fully believe he's gone forever, and I don't really think he has - he'll always be with us just because of who we are.
So here we are now - 2 months on.
I’m sorry this turned out to be an utterly depressing post; I’ll try and lighten the mood next time. I guess for me 2010 will mean many different things, while a lot of bad has happened I’ve also been blessed with many good things, things that I’m so lucky to have, and that should really outweigh the bad but atm seem to be overshadowed I hope to be able to look back at some point and see those good things more clearly. Although I’ve lost my dad, I still have an amazing family that shouldn’t be taken advantage of, I pray for the day when we can all look back and remember him with less pain and sorrow and remember the good and happy times, because there are plenty of them to reminisce about. I love you Dad, and I’ll think about you everyday of forever. Xx
2 comments
I am so sorry that your dad passed away, I did wonder if everything was ok since you hadn't been around much online. My thoughts are with you and your family. As morbid as it sounds, I see death everyday at work and I believe people never really leave us. You can just tell. I'm sure your dad will be proud of everything you do in life. *hugs*
ReplyDeletethank you, I've been wanted to get back into blogging for a while, maybe now is a good time for me to have something to focus on. thank you for your concern, it means alot.
ReplyDeleteanyway I hear congratulations is in order!
xx