about me

by - Thursday, January 15, 2009

This is going to be a different kind of blog, today I feel like telling you a little bit about myself and my life.
I'm not really bothered if you find this boring or whatever because in a way this is going to be more for myself. You’ll understand as I go on.

So, I'm 18, I live with my dad and my brother (he's at uni in London). My Mum lives in Northern Ireland with her new partner. She moved there about 4/5 months ago. I'll not go into that though.
I have two more brothers who don't live at home anymore. One (Ben) Lives in Leicester with his girlfriend and their daughter Emily. And the other one (matt) lives with his girlfriend in Chelmsford. My brothers are all older than me.
I have a WONDERFUL boyfriend who I love an incredible amount. No one will understand how much of an impact he has had on my life. I Will Love him forever, I know what your thinking...and I know it might be a little bit over the top but this is just how I feel before I met Fred I would never have thought I would fall so deeply in love with anyone or that anyone would love me back the way I know he does. I will be with Fred until I die. I just know it. I don't question it.
OK moving on.
Whoa that was a bit deep anyway.

So like I was saying, my family are all over the place which at times is quite difficult but its life and I deal with it.

Around 2006 I was doing my GCSE’s, my parents had just split up and life started to feel, well a bit shit. I got through my exams, just and started to think about what I wanted to do next.
After I left school, I took the route I thought I should, ALEVELS. I got into a good college, but something was still wrong. I like many teenagers began to notice things about myself i didn’t like. For me it was pretty much everything and it all seemed to happen at once. I stopped going out with my friends as much because I felt so inadequate next to them it felt like every time I went somewhere I was constantly worried about how I looked and how much worse I looked than everyone else. My friends didn’t really see what was happening and I gradually became replaced, we all started college, and they were making new friends. I wasn’t needed anymore. I still had other friends who I then started to hang out with but, I still found it quite difficult to understand why I wasn’t friends with the people I had been best friends with for the last 5 years.
So college was quite tough to begin with, the whole social aspect, meeting new people, trying to make new friends, I hadn’t had to make new friends for a while; it was quite a difficult time.
A few weeks in I started to settle into the routine I had a few new friends and things just started to ease up on me. I still loathed myself but I told myself wasn’t really that bothered by it because it wasn’t like I was trying to impress anyone right? Who did I need to make an effort for, I had resorted to the fact that no boy would ever like me so what was the point in worrying about who I looked anymore.

One day I was on my way home, walking to the bus stop and a friend who I had drama with was there, with a boy. We all got on the bus and started talking. I later discovered that the boys name was Fred and Natalie had added him on MySpace. This was fine. We all went into town, had a starbucks and then went our separate ways. Now this bit will defiantly sound cheesy, but from the moment I met Fred, I was at ease with him, I could be myself. He made me laugh, and I knew that I wanted to get to know him better.
This is when my life was turned upside down. We started to see more of each other, basically I started stalking him. Ha-ha, not literally but I was a bit like...’HI FRED LETS GO STARBUCKS’
We started to become really good friends on a different level than I thought we could, we just clicked. We are so alike in personality sometimes it’s scary, but then other aspects of our lives are completely different.
So to cut a long story short...I fell completely in love with him, and its weird but I think I kind of knew that I would from the moment we met.
So we’ve been together for just over 2 years now which doesn’t sound like a very long time, but honestly I feel like I’ve known him for a lot longer!
I know I keep going on about Fred a lot in this little bio but it’s because he’s made such an impact on my life its unreal.
Ok back to the story, basically I fell in love, life was fantastic and College seemed so unnecessary why would I possibly need an education after meeting the love of my life?
I failed most of my as levels. Three U’s in fact, but I did get an A in drama. To be honest, I expected to get really bad grades, but to fail so miserably really was quite tough to grasp at first. I knew very early on that I had made the wrong decision in doing a levels in the first place. This wasn’t what I wanted to do; it was what I thought everyone expected me to do. I know that some people think the only way to get any kind of decent career is to do a levels go to university and sit exams for the next 10 years, but for me, I didn’t even know what I wanted to do with my life.
So after failing I needed to find a different route. I needed something that would work for me this time, something that I would actually want to get out of bed for everyday.
I was very sceptical when I applied to do a National Diploma in performing arts. I was so concerned about what other people would think about. This is one of the main drawbacks in my life. My fear of other peoples opinion. It’s insane how much time I spend worrying about it, whatever the situation.
I started the course and at first the learning style was so difficult to get into I considered dropping out there and then. I was so used to having it drilled into me that the only way I’m going to succeed in life is by doing exams and getting the best grades in the world. This new way of doing was scary and confusing and exciting. I quickly got into the swing of things, made some fabulous friends and life again was gooood.
There was still this underlying self loathing holding me back though, at first I found it so difficult to let go and really have some fun with the course, but gradually over the year I started to come out of myself more. I can’t begin to explain how much confidence I have gained and how much I appreciate myself more just for being on this course, so many people ask me why I wanted to do a performing arts course if I didn’t want to be an actor...what’s the point? There is so much more to it than that, I can’t go into it right now, I’d be here forever, this is an ESSAY as it is. Just accept that this was one of the best decisions of my life. There have been some drawbacks on the way and it hasn’t all been fantastic but I wouldn’t change any of it. My advice for anyone that has the slightest bit of self doubt or feelings of worthlessness or whatever please enrol on to some kind of acting/theatrical class. It could be anything a local theatre company, a night class, just does it
So the whole ‘self loathing’ thing started to get on top of me a little bit, I had something inside of me wanted to burst out and explode but something, this niggling feeling holding me back, its so frustrating know that you can be so much more and do so much, but still feel trapped. I knew exactly what needed to be done. I have always known that ill never be able to really live and experience things in the way should be unless I was happy deep inside of myself with the way that I looked. Yes it comes back to that old chestnut. My course unlocked this confidence and desire that was still trapped deep inside of me. I was overweight, now don’t get me wrong, I knew I wasn’t obese or anything but I was still FAT, I knew something needed to be done, it was finding the motivation, to really go for it and lose weight. One Sunday night I was lying in bed, crying because I hated my body. So many times I had tried living by the philosophy that I should love myself for who I am and love my curves, but deep down I knew this wasn’t who I was supposed to be, that I was never going to learn to love this body. I made a promise to myself for the last time, this was it, and I am going to lose weight this time. No going back.
The next day I sat in the car with Fred and told him, exactly what I had told myself the night before. He turned to look at me and said, that he has been thinking the exact same thing last night. Minus the crying part. It was the strangest car journey. So we both agreed to work together. To get this sorted out once and for all. It was such a relief to have ‘someone on my side’ and doing it with me, and who better than the love of my life. I was so motivated by this point and happy.
It’s been about 2 and half months so far. I’ve lost just under 2 stone, I’ve still got a way to go but I know that I’m going to get there this time.
So that’s a little bit of my story.

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